rsvr.net Forums Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > General Chat > General Chat
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Motorcyclists Explained...by Boris.
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   News/Blog News/Blog  Events   Register Register  Login Login

Motorcyclists Explained...by Boris.

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Message
Tifa View Drop Down
Premium Member
Premium Member
Avatar
I am Sparticus, only uglier

Joined: 21 Apr 2009
Status: Offline
Points: 1641
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tifa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Motorcyclists Explained...by Boris.
    Posted: 20 Apr 2017 at 15:03

Brilliant LOL


To outsiders and beginners, people who ride motorcycles might appear to be one big happy family. Like a giant borscht of head-nodding mutual admiration; all brothers (and sisters) of the handlebars, riding as one on the highways of their dreams.

But it's not like that at all, and the following motorcycle riders are to blame…

L-platers on Kawasaki Ninjas
For reasons no-one can explain, L-platers on Ninjas are an order of magnitude more annoying than L-platers on any other bike.

It may have a lot to do with the poor Ninja sounding like a tin of gravel being kicked down the road when a can is fitted to it and it is being bounced off the rev-limiter through the first three gears.

Their riding gear is cheap and mostly second-hand, they smell of fear and bravado in equal measure, their chains are unlubricated and their tyres are flat in the middle. Counter-steering is not a concept that can be explained to them without it ending in tears of confusion.

Many of them belong to Facebook sites, which are echo chambers of their own massive ignorance and contain many pictures of people who have parked their vehicles in ways they don't approve of.

They can be found…
On the Internet, mainly. These are mostly inner-city rattlers, so they spend a lot of time riding around the metropolitan areas of capital cities, visiting ice cream parlours and low-rent pizzerias.

On weekends, the braver ones can be found crashing on winding roads close to the city, or being processed like hams by the Highway Patrol who feeds on them like whales eat plankton.

Outlaw club members
They don't socialise with other motorcyclists very much. Not because they don't like them, but because they have nothing in common with them. So they're largely indifferent to other riders.

The bikes they ride are not like other Harleys. The colours they wear cannot be bought in any shop. They are currently being crushed under the government jackboot for being too scary-looking, but they can still be relied upon to always drink from the skulls of their enemies.

They can be found…
Sometimes in their clubhouses but, more often than not, at their homes, since the police have been avidly stripping their clubhouses of everything from light-fittings and taps, to wall-hangings and pictures of their dead members. It's rare to see them on the roads these days.

People with topboxes
While no-one can deny the sheer practicality of a topbox, one must also admit a topbox is the nil-plus-ultra example of men who have given up on ever seeing a naked woman again.

Buying one of the most impractical transportation devices, then spending large sums of money fitting heinous-looking steamer trunks a metre higher than the rear-axle of the bike, and declaring it suddenly 'practical', is the act of a train-spotter. Or someone who paints in water-colours.

They can be found…
Outside shops. Or looking smugly at you and your ocky straps from across the service station.

Adventure tourers
Very few people who buy adventure bikes actually go adventuring on them. Just like the people who buy massive four-wheel drive rescue vehicles to drive to work every day, adventure bikes are bought for two reasons: 1. "I may, one day, ride to Tajikistan and this is the bike to do it on." And 2. "I will never ride to Tajikistan, but I want people to think I will."

Like BMW riders who only speak with other BMW riders and God, Adventure Tourers only speak to other Adventure tourers. And it's usually about places they plan to go, but never will, wearing gear made by German scientists.

They can be found…
In peak-hour traffic, which they can't lane-split because they've fitted 2000-litre aluminium panniers to their bike just in case the wilderness ever calls to them and they simply must answer.

People who ride Chinese motorcycles
These are a strange and feral breed of human. Like crazed lepers craving social acceptance, they bought a Chinese bike because they imagined it to be great value, and secretly hoped no-one would ever know it was made in China because it had an Italian-sounding name.

They live a life of disillusionment and despair, especially when they find out how much a $4000 Chinese bike depreciates 12 hours after it is purchased.

They can be found…
On train station platforms, or in front of computers sending angry emails to Xiangang Heavy Industries.

Scooter riders
Not motorcyclists. If they were motorcyclists, they would ride motorcycles.

They can be found…
Everywhere. Like rats. And fleas. And cockroaches.

Bearded women who smell like expensive coffee
It is the Golden Age of the Hipster. And if there is a God, that age will be short and end in a welter of ethically sourced tears, fuelled by the smoke from early '80s Japanese motorcycles which have spontaneously combusted in shame at having stupid knobby tyres fitted to them while being menaced with angle-grinders.

More fond of looking like sexually questionable lumberjacks, their skill-free riding is usually done en masse and informed by relentless good cheer. It's almost as if they imagine that no-one's ever belted a grinning buffoon before.

They can be found…
Raising awareness of the bearded in inner-city suburbs successful immigrants have all moved away from, by drinking garbage coffee, slurping smashed avocados, and pounding quinoa into their delicate blurters.

The ATGATT crowd
People who ruthlessly dress for the slide rather than the ride and who cluck like condemnatory chickens at everyone who isn't wearing full race leathers everywhere all the time, are not so much motorcyclists as they are angst-filled nannies self-prophesying themselves into the front of a truck.

The sheer danger of motorcycling makes them uncomfortable, so rather than upskilling themselves, the ATGATT crowd (All The Gear, All The Time) wrap themselves in Dainese-brand cotton-wool against the inevitable disaster that awaits them.

They can be found…
In front of their computers demanding people tell them of the state of their favourite piece of heavily frequented road, so they may briefly ride upon it, before parking their motorcycles to sip bad coffee and eat sad hamburgers for the balance of the day. In winter, they are the shivering frozen ones, and in summer they are the ones glistening in fool-sweat.

Riders who've returned after years off the bike
Certainly not the sharpest blades in the kitchen, these worthies will either buy 500kg Harleys, presumably because they like to hear the sound their exploding knees and hips make when they try and move them, or an Adventure bike they need a ladder to climb onto.

Few of them make it past their first 'big trip', and most will usually give it up after falling over at a service station, or being rear-ended by a bus on the first day they decide to ride their new bike to work.

They can be found…
Usually, they are seen being loaded into the back of ambulances, but sometimes you can find them on gurneys being triaged by a sad-faced nurse at the nearest hospital.

Back to Top
Olie View Drop Down
Premium Member
Premium Member


Joined: 13 Nov 2015
Location: Lincoln, UK
Status: Offline
Points: 302
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Olie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Apr 2017 at 16:15
Good that
Back to Top
Fugly View Drop Down
Moto GP Alien
Moto GP Alien
Avatar

Joined: 18 Nov 2015
Location: Cambridgeshire
Status: Offline
Points: 589
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Fugly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2017 at 09:53
Does that feel better to unload Tifa?

Good post, am missing the Harley riding bank managers though
Full Arrows system, 1060 Big Bore, PC5 and Evo Airbox. Bring on the big grin!
Back to Top
Tifa View Drop Down
Premium Member
Premium Member
Avatar
I am Sparticus, only uglier

Joined: 21 Apr 2009
Status: Offline
Points: 1641
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tifa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2017 at 10:10
Not mine Fug....shamelessly nicked/ lifted from an Aus forum LOL
Back to Top
Fugly View Drop Down
Moto GP Alien
Moto GP Alien
Avatar

Joined: 18 Nov 2015
Location: Cambridgeshire
Status: Offline
Points: 589
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Fugly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2017 at 11:13
Originally posted by Tifa Tifa wrote:

Not mine Fug....shamelessly nicked/ lifted from an Aus forum LOL

Shame, there was me thinking you had joined us cynical old bastids Smile
Full Arrows system, 1060 Big Bore, PC5 and Evo Airbox. Bring on the big grin!
Back to Top
Bruce Wayne View Drop Down
Moto2 racer
Moto2 racer
Avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2015
Location: Hertfordshire
Status: Offline
Points: 172
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bruce Wayne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2017 at 11:23
certainly raised a smile hereWink
very goodThumbs Up
Back to Top
FTM View Drop Down
World Superbike Star
World Superbike Star


Joined: 04 Apr 2016
Location: Lovedean
Status: Offline
Points: 218
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FTM Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2017 at 11:59
They got me spot on.
 

People with topboxes
While no-one can deny the sheer practicality of a topbox, one must also admit a topbox is the nil-plus-ultra example of men who have given up on ever seeing a naked woman again.

Buying one of the most impractical transportation devices, then spending large sums of money fitting heinous-looking steamer trunks a metre higher than the rear-axle of the bike, and declaring it suddenly 'practical', is the act of a train-spotter. Or someone who paints in water-colours

Back to Top
Stevex View Drop Down
Premium Member
Premium Member
Avatar

Joined: 05 Jul 2016
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 471
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Stevex Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2017 at 13:16
Originally posted by FTM FTM wrote:

They got me spot on.
 

People with topboxes
While no-one can deny the sheer practicality of a topbox, one must also admit a topbox is the nil-plus-ultra example of men who have given up on ever seeing a naked woman again.

Buying one of the most impractical transportation devices, then spending large sums of money fitting heinous-looking steamer trunks a metre higher than the rear-axle of the bike, and declaring it suddenly 'practical', is the act of a train-spotter. Or someone who paints in water-colours



But not on your Ape shirley...please!
People say I don't know Jack Sh1t; but I do, he lives next door.
Back to Top
FTM View Drop Down
World Superbike Star
World Superbike Star


Joined: 04 Apr 2016
Location: Lovedean
Status: Offline
Points: 218
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FTM Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2017 at 17:01
'Fraid so.
 
 
Embarrassed
 
Scares the sh*t out of squids when they get passed by a skip look-alike. Big smile
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.10
Copyright ©2001-2017 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.047 seconds.